Batty Advice
by The.Shadow.Night
Summary: Batman is the terrifying Dark Knight of Gotham, but when his friends (and enemies) need advice, they know who to call. Takes place after season one and before the Invasion.
1. Friendless

**Batty Advice**

**Friendless**

Batman awoke in a dark room. He could hear water dripping slowly in the corner, echoing loudly in the silence. He had been ambushed by a large group of thugs; he could feel bruises beginning to form beneath the Kevlar of his suit. Now he was chained to a wall.

A door creaked open at the far end of the room. The Joker strode through it, carefully closing it behind him.

"Batsy! Long time, no see," he said, grinning wildly.

"Joker," Batman growled. "What do you want?"

"Just a little help. You see, I'm having a few problems."

"Try Arkham. I'm sure they can help."

"But they can't, Batsy. There are so many villains there, they just don't have time for chaotic nut jobs like me anymore," he sighed, looking down.

Batman stared at the Joker, quietly picking the lock. The Joker looked at him expectantly, his grin so wide it covered his face. That grin fell a bit as Batman didn't respond.

"All the rogues there, they're friends. They're tight. And when they look at me, they just see a joker. Not someone to be friends with. I tried killing them, but it didn't work. Now they just ignore me. Or they call me names, like Clown and Freak and Get Out of Here, though I'm not sure whether the last is a name or just an insult."

Batman was growing frustrated with the lock. It just wouldn't open. "Get to the point Joker."

"But that is the point! I have no friends. And what's the point of hanging around other villains if no one wants to hang around you? But then I thought, hey, Batsy is a loner. He beats people up and scares them off, yet still he has friends. He has a whole bunch freaks stuck up in space. So, how do you do it?"

Batman was at a loss. "Excuse me?"

"You are the scariest person in Gotham, well, besides me, and you have friends, tell me how to get some!"

"You kidnapped me. You chained me to a wall. You had your thugs beat me. Just so that you could ask for my advice."

"Yes! Now, I'm getting bored, so get on with it!"

With a flourish, the Joker sat on the floor, cross-legged, head in his hands, and he stared at Batman with that awful grin on his face, eyes staring at him, waiting expectantly for an answer to his problems.

Batman sighed and gave up. This might save him some trouble in the future. "You need to find people with common interests. You need to be able to connect with them."

"Yes, yes," Joker interrupted. "I've tried that. What else?"

Batman glared at him. "If you want my help, don't interrupt. Now, you have to try and work with them. You can't just order them around, or hurt them. You have to gain their trust."

"So I can't kill them?"

"No."

"And I have to try and get them to like me?"

"Pretty much."

"Can I at least use them to test my Joker gas?"

"No."

"And then I'll have friends?"

"Maybe."

"Great!" Joker jumped up. "You're the best, Batsy! I'll remember your help forever. In fact, I'm going back to Arkham right now so that I can try to make friends."

He turned to his minions at the door. "Put a hold on the mail room plot, fellows. I'm going to make some friends!"

He turned back to speak to Batman, but found the chains dangling, empty. Joker shrugged his shoulders and left.

Outside, on top of Wayne Tower, Batman sat, overlooking the city. Behind him, Robin appeared.

"Where have you been, Batman? We were getting worried."

"Giving an old acquaintance some advice."

* * *

**So, I'm trying out something a little different. This isn't going to be pure crack, but I don't want it to be super serious either. Let's just see how it goes. If you have a question for the Bat, be it funny or serious, PM me to let me know.**

**-Shadow**


	2. Superloser

**Batty Advice**

**Superloser**

Batman growled as his comm unit beeped, letting him know someone wanted to talk to him. He punched out one last thug, then set on disabling the bomb. A slight whoosh was heard behind him.

"I'm busy," he said.

"I know, but I really need to talk to you," Superman, who was standing behind the Dark Knight, said.

"Come back later."

Superman sighed and used his laser vision to cut a wire. "There, you're done. How about we go get some pie?"

"Fine. I'll meet you there in five."

Batman walked off and disappeared into the shadows of the alleyway. Superman flew away to change into civvies.

About five minutes later, Bruce Wayne entered a small diner in Gotham. He went straight to the table where Clark Kent was sitting. Because it was Gotham, no one questioned why Bruce Wayne was there or why Clark Kent was in Gotham.

"What do you want to talk about?" Bruce said.

"Connor."

Bruce was shocked, but he didn't show it. Clark continued.

"I hear Black Canary's having some difficulty training him, due to his powers. I tried to help one day, but he glared at me while I explained stuff, then stalked away."

"What did you expect? Him to run up to you saying 'You do love me!'? Or maybe him waiting on you hand and foot, following you around like a little puppy dog?"

"Well… kinda."

Bruce shook his head. "Clark, you're an idiot. You've treated the kid like dirt. What do you want from me?"

"A bit of advice. I mean, you do so well with Dick, can't you help me out a little?"

Bruce sighed. He wasn't any good at this advice thing. "You need to try and gain his trust. You've ignored him from the time you met him. Try taking him out to your parents house, I'm sure they'll love to meet him. Getting to know him as Clark Kent might help too. He wants badly to be Superman, but with his genetic makeup, he can't be. So, you need to try and keep from hanging all your powers over his head."

"You think that'll work?"

"Can't hurt to try."

Bruce's pocket buzzed as a text came in. He glanced at it, then told the waitress to make his pie to go. He threw down some money, and turned to Clark.

"I'm glad you're trying Clark, but it might be too late to be his family. Just try for being his friend."

With that, Bruce left. Clark sat there, picking at his pie as he considered Bruce's advice. After a while, he picked up the phone and called his parents.

"Hey Ma, I was wondering if you wanted to meet your grandson."

* * *

**So, it turns out I'm not very good at giving advice. Oh wel, I'll try anyways. I'm not sure what I'm going to do for the next chapter, so if you have a question for Bats, PM me with it.**

**-Shadow**


	3. Gingers

**Batty Advice**

**Gingers**

"Batman!" Barbara yelled through the Batcave.

"Batman!" M'gann yelled psychically.

"Batman!" Wally yelled in the Mountain.

"Bruce!" Roy said, shaking the mans hand.

They were in Wayne Tower, where Bruce Wayne was working for once.

"What can I help you with, Roy?"

"I need some advice. On girls. I thought about going to Ollie, but you know how he is."

"Of course. What can I help you with?"

"What do you do if there's a girl you like, but you don't have the same values?"

"You're talking about Jade."

"How'd you?"

"I know all. Now, you can't change her. Trust me, I've tried. All you can do is get her to change herself. If she loves you enough, she'll change for you. I mean, look at Selina"

"She's a villain."

"Not always. Only when her strange obsession with cats gets in the way. Otherwise, she's very reliable."

"So you think Jade can change?"

"I'm sure."

Later that day, Bruce was hit with a wave of psychic energy.

"_Batman_!" the voice cried.

"_Miss Martian_?" he questioned mentally.

"_Oh good! I found you! I wanted to talk to you really quick, can you spare a minute_?"

"_I'll meet you in Gotham Square in half an hour_."

Thirty minutes later, Bruce Wayne strolled into Gotham Square in dark sunglasses, hiding his eyes from view. He scanned the square, then focused in on a girl sitting on a park bench. He then walked over to her and sat down.

"Hello Megan. How's it going?"

"_Batman_?" she questioned.

"It's Bruce. What did you want to talk to me about?"

"I needed to talk to you about Connor."

Bruce raised his eyebrow inquisitively.

"Its just, La'gaan asked me out, but I still have feelings for Connor, and I don't know what to do."

"Shouldn't you be talking to Dinah about this?"

"She's off world right now. And I heard from Superman that you were good at giving advice."

Bruce mentally added kill Superman to his list. "So, you want to know what to do about La'gaan and Connor."

Megan nodded. Bruce sighed.

"You need to figure this out for yourself. Tell La'gaan that you're not ready to move on if you're not sure. Talk to Connor, he might feel the same way. It might be best just to step away from it all and try looking at things from a different point of view."

"That's actually really helpful, Bruce."

"Glad I could help."

Megan walked away, and Bruce decided to go home. He was tired of putting on a show for everyone. He decided to go down to the Batcave and investigate a robbery that had gone on at a local lab.

When he got to the Batcave, he found Barbara sitting in front of the Batcomputer.

"What can I do for you Barbara?" he asked.

She jumped. "I didn't hear you coming Bruce. I was actually waiting for you to come back."

"Well, what do you need?"

"Advice. You see, Dick and I have been getting close lately, and I don't know if it's really right."

"What do you mean by right?"

"He's younger than me, by quite a bit. And he's dated almost every girl on the team. And several in school. I just don't know what to do."

"I'm going to quote from one of Dick's favorite shows when he was a kid. Take chances, make mistakes, and get messy. Just go with it and see where it takes you."

"Thanks Bruce. I need to leave. Dad's expecting me for dinner."

She ran out. Bruce took the seat in front of the Batcomputer. He had just started working when he got a message from the Mountain that he was needed there.

He suited up quickly, and zeta'd over to Mt. Justice. There, Wally stood, waiting for him.

"What's the emergency?" he growled.

"I need help."

What was it with everyone asking him for help lately? He had a feeling it was Dick's fault, but he wasn't completely sure. "With what?"

"It's Artemis. I think that since M'gann dumped Connor, she's thinking about leaving me and I can't deal with that right now."

"So, you think Artemis is going to leave you for Connor."

"Yeah!"

"And you want me, of all people, to help you."

"Kinda…"

"You should just talk to her. She's the only one who can put our mind at ease. You kids really should learn to talk to the people you care about rather than ask me."

He turned, his cape flaring out dramatically, and he went home. It was time to return to what was his true talent. Creeping around in shadows.

* * *

**This one hit me in class and begged to be written. Sorry if Bats is OOC, but it's kinda hard to make him hard and uncaring when he's dishing out advice.**

**-Shadow**


	4. Harlequin

**Batty Advice**

**Harlequin**

Batman walked silently through the hallways of Arkham Asylum. He really did walk silently a lot, but he was Batman, and that was how Batman rolled.

He knew his way to the interrogation room by now, and blew past all the employees working there. He entered the small room, not exactly sure what he would find.

"Hi, Batman," Harley Quinn said.

She was huddled on the ground, tears dripping down her face. Her hair was dirty and knotted, and she had dirt smeared on her arms.

"What's going on?" Batman asked roughly.

"I was trying to prove how tough I was, and instead I fell out of a tree."

"Why am I here?"

"I need your help, Batman! I heard that you helped Mistah J, and I thought that maybe you could help me too. Either that or I was gonna kidnap that Bruce Wayne guy, because he acts like a nut all the time and no one seems to think he's a dumby."

She jumped up and wrapped her arms around him, hugging him close. Batman stood there awkwardly. He didn't hug villains. Even if they were crying.

"What's the problem?"

She looked up at him with big eyes. "Do you think I'm dumb?"

"No."

"But everyone does! They see my blonde hair and my carefree attitude and think I'm a dumb little girl. They don't even think I can climb a tree and rescue a kitty cat."

"So?"

"I don't want them to think I'm dumb anymore. That's why I climbed the tree. I figured I could rescue that cat and everyone would think I was great," she said, flopping back down to the ground. "But all I got was leaves in my hair and dirty. So, I ran in here and told them I wasn't coming out until I talked to you."

"You want me to tell you how to keep them from thinking you're dumb?"

She nodded vigorously, and Batman sighed. "You need to prove to them that you're brilliant. You do have a Ph. D., so I'm sure you can think of something. Show them that you're brilliant, but don't care what they think of you. They can think all they want, but that doesn't make them right. If you want them to respect you, make them."

Harley looked at him with respect in her eyes. "You're so smart, Batman."

She skipped out of the room, apparently done with him. He left, but later wished he hadn't.

Harley Quinn escaped from jail that day, by herself. She developed an evil plan that held Gotham in terror for weeks. Later, it was known as the Harlequin days. No one called her dumb anymore.

Batman was glad his advice had worked, but that didn't justify the means. And why was he giving advice all the time? He was Batman. The Dark Knight. The Caped Crusader. He didn't help people with their daily troubles. He really needed to get to the bottom of this.

* * *

**My life is sad. I write at least an hour a day, just for fun, and I'm ashamed. My friend caught me writing in school, and I freaked out. I'm worried of what he would think of me, of what I choose to do in my spare time. And that's stupid of me. I really need to get over myself and just put everything out there. And I don't know why I'm putting all of this here, but it's a good place to work out my thoughts. I'm gonna post it anyways, but you can skip all of that.**

**If you have a question for Batman, I'm running low, so send me a PM!**

**-Shadow**


	5. Broken Arrow

**Batty Advice**

**Broken Arrow**

Batman typed furiously on the Batcomputer. He was tracing the computer history of everyone who had asked him for advice, and he was finding that they had all made several visits to the same Youtube video. He was about to click it, when a beep came from his comm.

He reluctantly answered, and soon found that Ollie was on the line, incredibly drunk. And he was in Gotham. No one was supposed to enter Gotham without his permission.

He leapt to his feet, and quickly drove out of the Batcave. On the computer screen, the links to a Youtube video magically disappeared.

On top of Wayne Tower, Green Arrow sat drinking beer. Batman appeared beside him.

"What are you doing?" he growled.

"Tryin' to get your attention. I need some help," Green Arrow slurred.

""What's wrong?"

"Well, I went to see Roy today," he started, trying to stand and almost falling off the building. "I really miss the kid, ya know. He's like my son! And I think he needs to come home, but he won't and Dinah says s'all my fault. But it's not, right Bats?"

Ollie was definitely drunk. "Get to the point Queen."

"Oh. Right. So, I went to see Roy, and I found him sticking drugs in his arm! I thought I had raised him better than that. Wait, I didn't raise him. Anyways, I told him that he was an idiot and that doin' drugs is wrong. And then he punched me! And he called me a hippo."

"A hippo?"

"T'was something like that."

Batman thought about this for a moment. Why would Roy call Ollie a hippo… unless he meant hypocrite. "Ollie, were you drunk when you went to visit him?"

Ollie scrunched his face together in concentration. He held his hand out, fingers close together in a pinching motion. "Only a little bit."

"You're an idiot."

"Hey, that's not nice!"

"You're incredibly irresponsible. How can you expect Roy to act like a responsible adult when he sees you getting drunk all the time?"

Instead of responding, Ollie lay down to take a nap. Batman left him there until the next morning. He was still laying there when Batman returned.

Pulling a bucket of water out of his utility belt, he dumped it on the drunkard and startled him awake.

"What was that for!" an enraged Green Arrow yelled.

"I needed you to wake up. Now, come with me. We're going to go have a talk with Roy."

Ollie went with him to the Batmobile, which they took to Roy's apartment. He was lounging on the sofa when the two heroes entered.

"What do you want?" he grumbled.

The apartment was a wreck. Take out boxes lie everywhere, clothes were strewn across the floor. The walls were taken up with bits of paper and string, where Roy had tried to find his 'real' counterpart.

"Roy, you need to get control of yourself, you can't live like this!" Ollie yelled at him.

"You're not the boss of me, not anymore!" he yelled back.

Batman watched as the two squabbled. When Ollie threw his hands up and stormed off, he knew it was time to act.

"Roy, you're going to straighten up. You can't work in this mess. You need to be able to focus, and drugs aren't going to help you do that. Get off them, clean the house, then get back to work."

He left, a shocked Roy behind him. Roy got off the sofa and started cleaning up. Everyone listened to Batman.

"I believe we're done here," Batman said to Green Arrow, speeding off in the Batmobile.

Now, back to the Batcave to work on this advice mystery.

* * *

**Wow, a bit of plot appears through the veil. I've decided to throw a little bit of substance in here, so it's not really a one-shot story, but it kinda is. I'm confused by this too. **

**Have a batty day,**

**Shadow**


	6. Old Hat

**Batty Advice**

**Old Hat**

Batman slammed his fists against the keyboard in frustration. Somehow, the Internet history of everyone who had asked him for advice was deleted. And he kept getting locked out of their computers when he tried to restore it. Someone was blocking him, and they were good.

He tried to call Nightwing again. He hated to admit it, but Dick was a lot better hacker than he was. He was practically married to a computer. He had been trying to contact him for days, to no avail. It was getting suspi-

The phone rang.

"What?" Batman growled into it.

"Batman! You need to get down to Gotham Square quickly! The Mad Hatter's returned!"

Batman jumped into the Batmobile and quickly rced to Gotham Square. It was strange, Jervis Tetch had been quiet for so long, everyone had thought he had given up the villain gig.

Tires squealed as Batman pulled into Gotham Square. There, the Mad Hatter was holding several people hostage.

"Good, Batman, you made it just in time for tea!"

Thugs appeared which Batman quickly beat down. He then turned his attention to the Mad Hatter. He fought with him a little, giving the police time to get the hostages away.

The Mad Hatter broke away. "You'll never stop me, I'm- I'm- I'm nothing."

He sat down, looking absolutely pitiful. "I'm boring, aren't I, Batman. Entirely old hat. I used to be the mind control guy, but then the Riddler figured it out and took that from me. I used to be the flying hat guy, then Penguin stole my technology and put it in his umbrella. I'm nothing anymore."

Batman carefully walked over, not sure if this was a trick or whether he was really depressed.

"Ya know, I heard from a little bird that you're great at giving advice. Maybe you could help me. What can I do to get out of this funk?"

Batman thought about it for a minute. Here was another one wanting his advice. "You need to try something new, break away from everyone else and do something completely different. It should make you proud that the Riddler and the Penguin decided to use your technology, that means it's good. Just come up with something new to do, and you should be okay."

"Blue's a nice color. There's so much of it around. Blue sky, blue paint, blue cop cars…"

Batman rolled his eyes and took the Mad Hatter, who was rambling about the shades of blue, to the police so he could be taken back to Arkham.

On the ride home, Batman thought back to what Mad Hatter had said. A 'little bird' had told him? Could that just be his way of saying just someone told him, or did it have a deeper meaning. He would have to do a little digging and find out.

* * *

**Hot off the presses! A little advice from a Bat. And the plot thickens. Tada!**

**Happy Hoodie Hoo day,**

**Shadow**


	7. Girlfriends

**Batty Advice**

**Girlfriends**

Bruce Wayne flirted endlessly with the gaggle of girls surrounding him. They, in turn, swooned and flirted back, all hoping to be Mrs. Bruce Wayne. Of course, they were all playing him. All they really wanted was his money.

Later that night. Bruce stumbled back into Wayne Manor, tipsy from the champagne he had drunk.

"Come Tim, to the Batcave!" he said, making his way to the old grandfather clock that disguised the entrance to the cave.

"Actually, Bruce, I was wondering if you could help me with something first," Tim said, standing next to Bruce.

"Whatcha need?" he slurred.

"Well, there's this girl in school. She's really nice to me, and we hang out a lot."

"That's great Tim."

"But the school dance is coming up soon, and I wanted to know if you think I should ask her."

"Of course you should ask her! I mean, every time I ask a girl to go somewhere she gets all excited, so I don't see why it should be any different for you."

"But I'm afraid she won't go with me because of some weird friend rule."

"Don't sweat it. I once went out with my best friend. Things went well, then I told her I was Batman and she ended up leaving me for Harvey Dent. Then she died. It wasn't a very good thing, but we stayed friends until the end."

"So I should ask her?"

"Yeah, but if she gets nervous, tell her it's just as friends. Girls love that kinda stuff. Helps them get right over any anxiety."

"Thanks Bruce!" Tim said, hugging him. "Dick was right, you are good at giving advice."

Tim ran off to the Batcave. Somewhere in Bruce's drunken mind something clicked. Dick was up to something, and Bruce wasn't sure he liked it.

* * *

**Warning: If you follow drunken Bruce's advice, you may run into some problems. Also, I need more questions for Batman to answer, so PM me if you have ideas. And, check out my forum, Young Justice: A Miscellaneous Assortment, it's asterous.**

**Happy International Polar Bear Day!**

**-Shadow**


	8. Til Death Do Us Part

**Batty Advice**

'**Til Death Do Us Part**

In the dark silence of the Batcave, Batman sat at the Batcomputer, hacking into his son's computer. It was difficult, though. Nightwing was a computer nerd, and had created so many walls it was hard to get around. Batman refused to give up, though.

He was there for hours, but finally, he broke through. He sifted through computer files and checked his internet history. What he found, he didn't like.

He called Nightwing to the Batcave, closing everything on the Batcomputer down, except for a single file. When Nightwing appeared a few minutes later, he was faced with a youtube video.

"_If you need some help, 'cause it don't look good, who ya gonna call? The Batman!"_ blared from the speakers.

"Um… Batman, what's this?" Nightwing asked, attempting to be nonchalant.

"I found this video on your youtube account. You're the one whose been causing everyone to ask me for advice, and that's why you've been avoiding me for the past few weeks."

"No I didn't."

Batman glared at him. He sighed and confessed.

"Bruce, you're great at giving advice. I didn't think it was fair that only Bats got to listen to it, so I made the video and sent it to everyone in the League and the Team. I don't know how it got to Arkham, though."

"Why do you think I give great advice?"

"Remember right after my parents died…"

-Flashback-

A little Dick Grayson watched as his parents fell. He cried out, but he couldn't save them. He was taken to a large house and told he was going to live there.

The man he was supposed to stay with was never around, so Dick grew lonely, bitter, and sad. He had no family anymore.

He had nightmares every night, and that was the only time he saw the elusive Bruce Wayne. Bruce would hold him close as he sobbed, giving him something that he could hold onto.

One night, after he had finished sobbing, he asked Bruce a question. "Does it ever get better?"

Bruce looked lost in thought for a while, then answered the small boy in his arms. "No, it doesn't. It'll always hurt. But the pain will dull over time. All you can do is live how they would have wanted you to live, and remember that they'll always be with you."

-End Flashback-

"That was the first time I saw you as someone to look up to, to respect. Everyone's been having some serious problems lately, and I wanted to help them, only, I'm not as good at giving advice as you are," Nightwing said.

"So you told everyone to ask me for advice," Batman replied.

Nightwing nodded. "Sorry, Bruce. It really has helped them, though."

Nightwing turned to leave, fearful that he had angered Batman. A hand on his shoulder stopped him in his tracks, though.

"Dick, I'm glad that I could help."

Nightwing turned around and hugged the Dark Knight, then ran off. "See you later Bruce, I've got a drug ring to bust!"

Batman watched his eldest son run off. He would find a way to get him back for this at some point, but for now, he had to think of a way to get his fearsome persona back.

* * *

**So, this story's over, unless I get some more inspiration for questions. Hope y'all enjoyed it. **

**-Shadow**


End file.
